Washed Clean

Usually someone planning to take his own life is not thinking about the awful results of suicide. He’s just seeking to end the pain. That was me. I lived in a beautiful house with cathedral ceilings and had more than most people; however, a pivotal moment came when I realized that none of these things mattered. was empty and wanted to die.

lt was early spring of2007, and I was driving my truck on my way to commit suicide, thinking this was the best way to end the pain. As I drove, I flipped through the radio, trying to and a garden show. This usually helped me relax and temporarily “fixed” my depression. As l did, I heard a kind voice come across the radio waves. What he said changed my life forever.

I was born on January 28, 1963, in Cranston, Rhode Island. My family was second-generation Italian, and I was the middle-child of three boys. Our family went to the Catholic church every week. Mom was a church goer, but Dad couldn’t care less about religion. When I was ten, Mom had retaking catechism classes, preparing meta make my first communion, Sometime later, we complained to Dad about having to go to church, and he let us stop going altogether.

So often the devil uses many factors-social, cultural and spiritual-to draw us into his web of lies. All these factors were at work in my life. My father was usually distant unless I needed discipline. At about eight years old, l realized my father didn’t want me around. He seemed to love my brothers because they loved football. However, my mom and I were very close. I liked the arts, working in the kitchen with her, and being inside.

Then, as I found myself hanging out with other boys, I was emotionally drawn to them and rejuvenated when I was around them. Either Dad wasn’t there to love me through this time and explain how to guard my emotions, or I didn’t feel comfortable expressing them to him. Regardless, I was headed in an unhealthy direction that would haunt me for years. Around that same time, I was molested by a boy a few years older than I. This created a curiosity that led down the wrong path and morphed into sexual attraction. As these desires took root, I thought, “This must be what a homosexual feels like.”

Another factor luring me away from the truth was the break-up of our home. When I was twelve, my parents divorced. Dad was so focused on making money that he became distracted at the office. He had an affair with his secretary. This broke my mom’s heart, but it hardened mine. A child needs his father’s love, leadership and discipline, and when that isn’t present, a vacuum is created. Our family break up caused me to hate my father and led me into promiscuity and deeper sin. Satan began to whisper his lies, and I began to believe them.

At this point, I was easy prey for the devil. At thirteen, while mowing the lawn for an elderly Catholic priest, he seduced me with alcohol and manipulation. Then he molested me. I was confused. I thought arousal meant love. Slowly but surely, became captive to the devil! At fifteen, I was prostituting myself. I would walk up and down the streets of West Warwick, and different men would pick me up. One sin led to another and opened the door to darkness and despair.

At this young age, I didn’t want to die, but I felt so unloved. L thought, “Maybe I’ll hurt myself someone will love me” So, l found a piece of glass and began to slice at a vein in the fold of my arm. I cut until my blood trickled, then I fell asleep. Thankfully, someone found me and called my dad! Though he was no longer living with us, he rushed over to help. He pulled me into the bathroom and tended my wounds. I can still see the pink and gray tile with the little gold and silver specs in the Formica on the bathroom counter. Dad was fumbling with a hanger to make a tourniquet and wrap the gash in my arm at the same time. As he did, he said, “Don’t you know that l love you?” cried. “No. You’ve never told me.” My self-inflicted wounds came from a heart crying out to be loved!

After my parents’ divorce, we moved. Our neighbors, Dave and Paula Bailey, were noticeably different. By her appearance, attitude and demeanor, Paula stood out from the rest of the ladies l had met. Dave was similar. They were a clean, quiet couple, and they watched me in those days and showed me kindness. I later learned they were Christians and were involved with a gospel newspaper in the area. They were the only Christian influence I ever had.

My sinful lifestyle continued as I grew. I was “loving” and “living” according to my desires, but what had they brought me? Emptiness! With all sin’s promises of freedom, I had nothing but bondage. Ironically, the evil forces of our culture clamor for the right to “love” whoever and however one chooses. Yet, I felt so unloved and confused! In my twenties, I didn’t know whether I was a man or woman. At times, I thought I was a woman trapped inside a man’s body. Others told me if I “came out” I would find happiness and acceptance. So, I did. I was exhilarated and “happy,” but it didn’t last. In a few weeks, I slipped back into despair. What conscience I had would not let me remain comfortable in that lie. I had gone down the road of sin so for; I didn’t know right from wrong, good from evil, or truth from fiction. I was caught in a vicious cycle and didn’t know how to break free.

Clearly, I was putty in the hands of Satan and had become motivated by demonic forces. I condemned God for “making” me a homosexual. In my late thirties, while driving down the road, in a moment of rage, I told God “I hate you! When I get a chance, I’m going to do drugs in your name!” A quiet voice, louder than an audible one, instantly responded within me, “You don’t mean that.” I was startled and angry. “What do you mean I don’t mean that?” I screamed. “l hate you! I’ll show you that I do mean that!” I began to swerve back and forth across the road in a fit of anger! If God existed, I wanted to destroy Him. Ultimately, my proud wrath led me to attack the one thing I knew was evidence of God: marriage. This animosity only led to greater despair.

Any success I had was meaningless and hollow. I was tired, empty, and I just wanted to die. So, I concocted a plan. I sneaked out of my house carrying the drugs I’d been collecting, and I headed to the bathhouse, where I hoped to contract AIDS. Then I would overdose. I didn’t care how I died; I just wanted to die.

As I drove and flipped through the radio stations trying to find my garden show and ease my depression, I came across WARV, 1S90AM. That morning, in Little Compton, RI, the kind voice of an older preacher caught my attention. “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls” (Matthew 11:28-29). The preacher said “Jesus wants to carry your burden and your heavy weights. He will, if you will accept the Lord and His love for you. He will save you right now.” At that moment, I was enveloped in God’s love. It was love like I’d never known! I almost drove off the road because of my tears. I was overwhelmed that God would love me.

I needed rest for my soul. I was tired of the havoc sin had caused me. I wanted relief from carrying my own load. I leaned forward, looked up to the sky, and prayed “I’ll accept the truth, no matter what the truth is, as long it is the truth. Jesus, please carry my burdens and save me.” Instantly, the burden of sin lifted! I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. A wave of God’s love, like the ones sweeping someone from the rocks and back to shore, pressed me back into the driver’s seat! Jesus Christ had set me free! I wept, “You do love me and I am loved! I am loved! I am loved!” Tears were coursing down my cheeks. The One I had blasphemed just a few years earlier had just saved me. I was forty-four years old.

I felt clean all over. I didn’t know it, but the emptiness I had felt was because of the filthiness of my sin. When l asked Jesus to save me, He washed my dirty heart with His precious blood and made me whiter than the snow. After listing several sins including some I was guilty of, the Lord says to those who have trusted Him, “And such were some of you: but ye are washed but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God” (I Corinthians 6:11). Since receiving Jesus and His powerful cleansing, I have a life of peace and joy that is beyond explanation! The Lord has blessed me with a beautiful wife, and we are happily married and serving Jesus together! Truly “the Lord is good unto of! that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him” (Lamentations 3:25).

Are you bound with the guilt of sin? Have you discovered the emptiness of Satan’s lies? Have you thought of ending it all? You must know that the Lord loves you. He guided me to write my testimony down and someone else to design it and print it. He has led someone to secure this tract and give it to you. But the greatest evidence of His love is the cross. There He died and then rose again to save you.

Jesus, who saved me, is ready and willing to save you! He’s the only One who can. He knows what it is to bear the heavy weight of sin, because He “bare our sins in his own body on the tree” (I Peter 2:24). “And ye know that he was manifested to take away our sins; and in him is no sin” (I John 3:5). He is the “Lamb of God which taketh away the sin of the world”(John I:29). Jesus Christ shed his precious blood, died and rose again from the grave, proving He is the only One who has the authority and the ability to save! Just like He took my sin away, He will take yours away if you’ll receive Him by faith. “As many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name” (John 1:12).

Will you repent and believe on His name? You can stop what you are doing, bow your head and ask the Lord Jesus to come into your heart right now. Pray something like this: “Jesus, I am a guilty sinner, and I am so ashamed of my sin. I have tried to satisfy my life with everything but You, and it has failed. I want You to be my Savior. I believe You died and rose again to save me. Please come into my heart, wash me from my sin and save me! Thank you, Jesus, Amen.”

If you just called upon Christ, we would love to hear about this and rejoice with you! Please scan the QR code at the bottom and let us know of your decision to be saved!

 

Steven Antonelli

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